Hi Friend
This week felt like such a variety pack of life. On the business side, I had several conversations with clients and potential clients, sent off a few proposals, shot a couple promo videos and led a leadership zoom gathering. On the personal side, having my mom here all week has been a bunch of fun. We made cake pops with my daughter and put to work my new waffle iron.
I’ve also started reading the book Atomic Habits. It’s not revelational, but it is timely for me and such a great reminder for being purposeful with the small things. I appreciate his approach of starting with our identity and then moving out into the actions. He uses the example of stopping smoking. When offered a cigarette one person says “I’m trying to quit”. The other says “I’m not a smoker.”
It has prompted several thoughts in me about who I am and who I am not. More accurately, who I want to become and who I no longer want to be. Identity shifting is a beast. Our own ingrained self-perception dominates our experience in the world; with people, with decision making, in relationships, with money, with opportunities and possibilities.
It impacts our spiritual life too. Our sense of worthiness or unworthiness.
What’s fascinating is how differently we can see ourselves compared to how others see us. I imagine that’s because we’re deeply aware of all our shortcomings, setbacks and thoughts. What’s equally cool is seeing ourselves through others eyes (via their words) and having it affirm, confirm or even inspire who we genuinely want to be.
Are we who we think we are, or who they think we are?
That seems like a silly question. Of course we know ourselves way better than anyone else. But surely you’ve met someone and after chatting for a bit, you realize they think less of themselves than they ought. I chalk it up to their insecurities. Insecurity is mean and permeates way beyond the initial entry point from where it accesses our soul. It tends to be all consuming.
That’s what has me curious this morning. Our insecurities are not us, even if we’ve allowed them to shape our self image. The way others see us is because of how we act, talk, respond, think, contribute, treat others – in general, how we be as a human being– which are all legitimate indicators of who we are, as well.
Who we be test:
Ask 3-5 people how they would describe you.
Describe yourself.
Take the qualities you like best from both descriptions and incorporate them as your identity.
Surely we know our own thoughts lie to us from time-to-time? Even when or particularly so, it comes to our sense of self. So why would we give them loads more credence than someone else’s experience with us? Easy answer: Because we know they don’t know EVERYTHING about us and their opinion might change if they did. Which of course is another lie.
What filters do we see ourselves through?
Failure, learning or success?
Lovable, acceptable or unlovable?
Past, present or future?
Desired, tolerated or unwanted?
Smart, average or dumb?
All of that is changeable.
The difficulty is that we have validating evidence which verifies what we believe about ourself is accurate. Maybe so. We also have imagination and choices to enable us to grow into something we’re currently not.
Instigating Ideas
1. Write out five different “I am the kind of person who _____________” statements and fill in the blank with an Identity Identifier.
2. Compare how people see you and how you see yourself. Define the discrepancy and decide what you’ll believe.
3. Tell someone who you see them as this week (in a positive way, please) 😜
4. List some thoughts you have about you that might be a lie.
What are indicators of your identity? I refer to them as Identity Identifiers. These are the attributes and characteristics that shape who we perceive ourselves to be. If you don’t readily know, consider others whom you admire. What about them appeals to you? Those are indicators. What you identify (generous, compassionate, wise, caring, etc) typically resonates with you because those are how we want to think of ourselves.
We are capable and free to identify as much with who we’re becoming as who we were. I like the language difference between the two smokers. Both of them previously smoked. One retained his past identity, while the other reframed in light of her future identity. We are all welcome to do that and make such declarative statements.