Hi Friend
This week I had a bad day. I know that’s kind of funny to say since in theory we all have them. However, a long time ago as a growing leader, I consciously recall adopting the philosophy of bad moments. The idea being when we have a difficult or unpleasant experience don’t give it the whole day. Acknowledge and live in it for as long as necessary and then continue on.
I won’t bore you with the details, but on Thursday one thing after another after another after another did not pan out as expected. It felt like a wave of opposition at every turn. Initially it was simply annoying, but as the day continued on compounding frustrations layered my soul with weighty disheartenment. It was exhausting.
As a natural and intentional optimist, I generally see positive possibilities in most setbacks. I adhere to the Chinese Farmer philosophy of Maybe. Something that can seem devastating can lead to something glorious. Maybe.
As you and I both know, disappointment stems from expectations. It’s a startling sensation when we don’t realize we had expectations and then they’re not met. For example, dropping off a package at a FedEx store to be mailed. It gets scanned, put in their magical delivery system and ends up at the desired destination. It is so normalized, it doesn’t feel anticipatory.
However, if for some reason it doesn’t get scanned at the drop off, the package disappears. Literally. Whatever really expensive item you entrusted to their care vanishes and their investigators ask questions that infer maybe you didn’t really drop it off at all. 😳
Heart sick happens beyond our control.
We find great security in that which we can command. Reflecting on Thursday I realize each ding to hope was inflicted because it was beyond my reach of influence. Apparently I tend to think I can sway reality when it doesn’t align with my assumptions. I imagine you think that way too? Maybe not?
Ironically most things are outside our ability to manage, yet we live each day with an established sense of being masters of our domain. COVID has made it strikingly obvious that simply exerting our willpower lacks the heft to persuade verisimilitude. I suspect that’s one of the reasons there is such a strong emotional component wrapped up in efforts to resolve its impact.
Control is a slippery illusion.
It’s like my expectations at FedEx. We don’t appreciate how much process and order underlie our existence, thinking it is us maintaining stability. When it’s halted, altered or shattered we are shocked by what little power we possess. We experience a TKO. We’re still standing upright and attempting to fight, but technically we’ve been knocked out.
What do you control?
What can you control?
Most smart people answer those questions with “only ourselves”. I find that to be a self-medicating lie. From thoughts to behaviors, we humans aptly act incongruently with our own beliefs and aspirations from time-to-time. We don’t possess ourselves fully and justify our divergent nature accordingly.
The humbling paradox of humanity is that we only control that which we can surrender.
Prayer, meditation, journaling and similar acts that quiet us enough to abdicate our grip on situations require loads of discipline. The hope is we practice them regularly so they become a routine. The challenge is stillness feels way less effective than motion.
Instigating Ideas
1. How can you help someone who feels like their life is out-of-control?
2. Jot down a disappointment or two you could consider differently?
3. This week daily practice some form of stillness.
4. Adopt bad moments instead of days in both your thinking and language.
The emotional toll disappointment wreaks on our soul can be overwhelming. During my “bad day” I felt like all these things were happening TO me. As mentioned, it was draining. However, I’ve encountered a weightier blow. Have you ever been the cause or contributor to someone else’s letdown? Of course you have.
It’s equally curious how we’d like to control the consequence of our actions, selfishly diminishing the hurt we’ve caused. Instead of telling someone how they should or shouldn’t feel because of our conduct, the same solution of surrender applies here. Dang.
I dare you to surrender a situation that you’ve been trying to maintain control over but continue coming up short. I’d love to hear what you implement, whether stillness or conversations that enable you to exercise such willpower to release. Please Share.