Hi Friend
One year ago today I moved out of the house I’d lived in for 21 years. My wife of 27 years and I separated. I moved in with my friend David who exhibited the most extravagant generosity towards me. Over the course of the summer, I met regularly with my counselor, my pastor and a strong set of friends. I spent a lot of time outside walking, running, biking, sitting, hammocking, camping; gazing at both the sun and the moon.
In September we decided to bring our marriage to an end. We chose to forego lawyers, as both of us are frugal. We had multiple investment properties, 401k’s, businesses and other accumulated assets to divvy up. We figured it out and put together the paperwork. In the lawyer-free courtroom, the judge urged me to reconsider getting a lawyer. My counselor assured me I was in “rare air” at how amicably we were able to bring our marriage to a conclusion.
It was sad.
Over the course of that summer and fall, I would be seized by sadness with such gripping force that I would have to pull my car over because I couldn’t breathe or see through the tears. It would take hold without warning. I could be in a conversation, watching tv, riding my bike and all of a sudden a rush of thoughts pummeled across my mind, immediately bursting a reservoir of sorrow. It was paralyzing and exhausting!
It was new.
This may sound strange, but I don’t think I previously experienced sadness. Granted this is extreme anguish I’m referring to. However, whether callous, naive or naturally-wired, I didn’t lament. Of course I grieved for others and myself in moments of heartbreak, but I didn’t retain any sustained melancholy. When I wake up every day, my soul and body reset. I start fresh. I don’t bring yesterday into today. Generally speaking it’s been an asset in my life.
“Your Greatest Strengths are Your Greatest Weaknesses”
My counselor Marty is fond of this phrase. I too have become a believer in the potent truth it possesses. I’ve learned quite a few things actually.
One time I was challenged that I wasn’t grieving the situation appropriately. My positive, optimistic personality remained strong and visible which caused a friend to question my sincerity. I found it ironic, since I was living in the greatest despair I’d ever known. However, I asked Marty how grief worked – not the stages to go through – but it’s essence so I could subject myself to it thoroughly and completely.
Ideal < – – – – – – – – – – – – – – > Real
What we wanted (ideal) and what is actual (real); the distancebetween those two is INJUSTICE. What we grieve is that injustice. How we reconcile it diminishes that grief.
I suspect there are one or two injustices in your life? Identifying and intentionally grieving them removes the lingering invisible weight that imprisons so many.
Between that sentence you just read and this one, a lot of time has passed. I’ve been writing/erasing, considering how to condensesome really useful things I learned about fear, syncretism, pain/pride/healing/humility, learned helplessness, courageous communication, friendship, the four stages of change and so much more. I can’t articulate it reasonably and succinctly so I’ll refrain. I’m sure they’ll trickle in in future writings.
Friend another major lesson, probably the biggest, is I came to realize the narrative in my mind was flawed. The interpretation of scenarios created a story that continued to be filled-in with defective conclusions fueled by an impaired confirmation-bias. Over a long period of time – without challenges to this perception – an alternative reality is generated.
What stories are you telling yourself that are not true?
Instigating Ideas…
1. What do you fear happening that causes you to avoid a difficult conversation?
2. Have you designated certain outdoor locations for rejuvenation?
3. Who could benefit from your willingness to be transparent?
Recently, I was describing to a good friend at breakfast that the addition of sadness being a constant companion is like having a second child. You wonder “Will I have enough love for this kid like I do my firstborn?” The moment that child arrives our love capacity immediately expands without decreasing our love for the first.
I’m still overly optimistic. I’m still psycho-positive. I’m still unreasonably ridiculously hopeful. Those haven’t diminished. I now also have readily available a supply of sorrow. It’s an unlocked layer of my soul that still erupts without warning sometimes, but also conditions my perspective towards people, situations and the world around me. I wouldn’t call it an enhancement but it is an expansion.