Hi Friend
Since last I wrote you a lot has happened. I camped out Saturday night at Arcadia. It’s close and beautiful. I spent a couple of days in Charlotte, NC with a client who I spoke for right before COVID shut down the world. They were so kind and generous about how “everyone still talks about Owners and Renters!” I love how that message sticks and is so useful. I feel grateful to steward it to the masses.
Then I bounced down to Isle of Palms, SC. It is amazingly beautiful. Sitting right on the ocean, the temperatures were perfect. Something transpired that I’ve literally never had happen before. My computer totally locked up and the slide didn’t work. At all. I took about a minute to try to fix it and then just closed the lid and proceeded. Thankfully it was my ownership message and that flows out of me with great passion. No.Slides.Necessary.
A couple of other things happened this week that were unexpected. Two big secrets hidden behind lots of little lies came to the surface. One of them, the person initiated and told me. The other one, I accidentally stumbled upon. The one who told me was thoughtful, planned, and requested my consideration in response. It was a confession, but also a necessary revelation.
The other, as it unfolded in real-time created such a panicked response, that the person manufactured more and more lies instantaneously. It was heartbreaking to watch and strange to experience. Furthermore, the following day even more lies were offered to cover up the original. I was disgusted. I also was filled with compassion.
My past life is not free of secrets and lies, so when I encounter others who are in that mix, I offer empathy rather swiftly.
We lie to others because we’ve lied to ourselves first!
I’m a firm believer in that statement. With any lie, big or small, we tell ourselves a story about why it’s “better” to lie than it is to offer the truth. Over the course of time, we stop being able to differentiate between what is true and what is a lie. Then we find ourselves on a path of being lost. Friend, be grateful if you’ve never had to realize you are believing a lie that you created.
When we’re lied to we have multiple emotional responses. Depending on who, what it entails, and why, will determine how we’re affected. Motive matters. Some lies are given to protect others. While other lies are given to protect ourselves. Then there’s the worst kind of lie:
The lie to cover up the lie.
There’s something particularly evil about this. I’ve done it. I know. It’s a mix of desperation, fear, determination and survival. I’m not sure how to articulate this, but somehow the lie takes on a life of its own. It becomes an entity, that we feel compelled to protect – at all cost.
I witnessed a grown adult act like a child about to be spanked when the lie was revealed. It was unexpected and startling. I currently live with no secrets, no lies, and full-on transparency with a great group of guys in my life who know everything. Truth really does set you free. That’s one reason, I’m not a fan of “my truth“. I know all too well we humans lie to ourselves and believe it wholeheartedly, but that certainly doesn’t make it true!
Lying works.
We lie because it temporarily works. Generally, we are trusting, and accepting and don’t have the energy to play Sherlock. Most lies are mixed with truth, so it’s not black and white. I’ve discovered the lies of omission work nicely with partial truth and some well-placed intentional deception. I’ve realized that as the recipient of such a packaged combination.
Lying accomplishes its immediate end goal. Unfortunately, with every lie the consequence multiplies. The delay of truth deepens the destruction. And truth always eventually finds its way into the light. #AlwaysInstigating Ideas
1. Are you lying to someone? Why?
2. Are you lying to yourself? What story have you locked onto that is not true?
3. Have you forgiven those who have lied to you?
4. Are you committed to truth in every area of your life?
Forgiveness is obviously the key to all transgressions against us. I refuse to be cynical, jaded, or carry a grudge. I also refuse to stay connected to people who keep lying. Boundaries are useful. However, I know people who have been lied to and just can’t let it go. If you find yourself there, I implore you to forgive and move forward. We can’t control how others choose to interact with us. Focusing on the stories in our own minds is where we can have impact. It’s an evolving process. The stories find corroborating evidence, moving us into confirmation bias. I regularly find myself saying “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” I’m not opposed to talking out loud to myself. Part of my identity statements include the idea that I question my own thoughts. It’s an unnatural process, but one necessary if we want to remain in truth.
I would love to hear how you have navigated lies in your life; whether ones you’ve told or ones you’ve received. Also if you have a way to protect your own thoughts from self-deception. Please Share!