Hi Friend
I’m writing to you on Friday instead of Saturday because I’ll be flying to Los Angeles to see my daughter tomorrow morning. I’m spending the weekend with her. I’m not exactly sure what we’re going to do. I had proposed going inland and finding a national park. Her response was “Dad don’t do that. I wanna go shopping.” 😆 So I’ll be at the beach or in beverly hills window shopping.
This week has been full of a variety of activity. The DisruptHR was in Tulsa. I have a bunch of friends there so I went and hung out. Monica and I have started work on some new website ideas, which are fun. I’m having the front flower beds replaced. I had these overgrown holly bushes that had died from last winters freeze and never recovered.
I moved into this house last February. I had an interior designer come and we mapped out a plan for total internal and external renovation. Then it got delayed. Then the price kept changing. Then I had a lot going on and got frustrated and called the whole thing off. I’ve owned this house since 2007 and only had two families live in it that entire time. (I love long term renters). The family that moved out had lived here for nine years.
When I say “lived” I mean they and their kids beat the crap out of it. Nothing that some spackling, paint, new doors, new flooring, new blinds, new countertops, new shower and tub, new ceiling fans, new cabinets and new windows can’t fix. 😝 I kindly refer to it as Beirut. Because it’s a transition year for me, I decided to pause on the remodel efforts. Though, I have been doing work outside: New roof, new garage door, painted the entire house and now the flower beds.
Here’s the kicker. The tenants, who over nine years became my friends, moved RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET. They love everything I’ve done so far. So do my neighbors on both sides. It’s a bit ironic to me, because on the inside of the house, no improvements have been made.
What Others See Isn’t Always Accurate
The whole approach is contrary to how I generally live life…
… Do the inner work & let the overflow be what others experience.
… Who cares what others think as long as I’m values-aligned.
… Changing the outside doesn’t fix the inside.
We live in a society that is quite obsessed with appearances. Many, many souls are medicated, distraught, hurting, lost, disappointed, confused and still making grand efforts to appear as if none of those things are true of them. The focus on mental health these last few years has been amazing to remove the stigma of the challenges people are facing, while also creating healthy public dialog about our internal welfare.
Yet unfortunately, having the freedom to acknowledge the condition of our being, doesn’t necessarily remedy it.
As you know, I’m back reading 7 Habits. Covey refers to the self-help literature from the time of his writing to the previous 50 years as an “Outside In Approach”. People try to change things externally to find fulfillment internally. It’s a losing proposition. Even in our transparently open efforts to normalize internal struggles, often times we look externally to find resolve.
And yet, I personally have found a little satisfaction in this different way. I’m weirdly gratified knowing the changes I’m making externally are causing delight in my neighbors. It’s a strange sensation. I’m not really known for my concern of others. My disposition tends to lean towards not being burdened with trying to consider others thoughts or feelings. I’m not callous. I just like to imagine everyone is responsible for themselves.
I know plenty of people who are motivated in their efforts to generate certain feelings in others. Or more accurately, to prevent specific emotions and thoughts from arising. Moves and countermoves made vigorously in an attempt to imagine what another might say, feel, think or do in response to our own actions, strikes me as an exhausting mental exercise.
Instigating Ideas…
1. Do you spend more time working on your inner or outer life?
2. How accurate is what you present in public, true of you in private?
3. Do you do handy work or have to hire out?
4. How much energy do you exert trying to mitigate the imaginations of others, concerning you?
Integrity comes from integer, meaning “whole” or “whole number.” Non-fragmented – We are integrated externally and internally the same. My house lacks integrity. Momentarily what appears outside does not reflect what’s happening inside. However, just today I made a few calls to get a tile guy here to do some work in the bathrooms.
*Is it possible that all this focus on the outside is spilling over and causing me to want to work on the inside?
*Could it be that seeing the outside daily, my desire to fix the inside is enlarging?
*Have you ever decided you wanted to live up to the idea of the way others see you?
“You Lack Integrity”
Those are fighting words. However, if you were to come to my house, I would probably be way more motivated because you were going to see that it’s not in the same shape as the exterior.
Inviting visitors into our inner life is a catalyst for aligning our inside and outside.