Emotional Distancing

Hi Friend

This has been a full week. Not only did I have my usual Zoom meetings Mon/Wed/Fri, but also zoomed with both sides of our family, plus had an extra zoom meeting or two during the week. It’s possible “Generation Z” will become “Generation Zoom”. We also do church online, which gathers us around our TV. It is all a fine substitute, and even welcome, but it’s not the same thing as in person.

One morning this past week our church made food boxes available for people to pick up. I got to serve there. It was my first time doing anything besides driving to the store and back. It was GLORIOUS! Of course, I positioned myself in a role that required me to speak with every person who drove through. Human interaction, even through a half down car window is superior to a video screen.

I’m looking forward to a future that maximizes both in-person and virtual encounters. There are loads of people who prior to COVID-19 would never dare get on a video call. Now that line has been crossed and the fear, anxiety or concern about their appearance has melted away. Or more accurately, they’ve just accepted it.

It’s still way too early for articles about “All the Ways Coronavirus Changed Our Lives for the Better.” In our aspiration to be grateful and positive, we see flashes of the good that can come. Yet because we’re still in the thick of all the sadness, frustration and loss, whether of lives, economy or imagined future the “upside” is minuscule compared to the downside. However…

Hope isn’t tone-deaf.

Pacing proclamations of positivity is our responsibility. I enjoy the struggle of expression that recognizes now, remembers when, while reimagining a buoyant tomorrow. We get glimpses of each others personalities and thought processes through words communicated. I’m not talking political, I’m referring to what I read and see as caring people wrestle with how to matter, give aid and be conscious that there is so much below the surface of others lives that we don’t fully appreciate or understand.

From the relationships and people I’m exposed to there is a herculean effort to offer and provide support, even as those individuals face their own challenges. The difficulty in care is striking the balance between “It’s gonna be better” and “this sucks”. The insertion of optimism while empathizing is a tricky business. Do you know why that is?

EMOTIONS

I suspect in your quarantined life someone has come at you, and you responded with, “I was just trying to be helpful!” Your words or intentions were misinterpreted and their reaction was disproportionally intense. This irritated you, possibly causing new words to cross your lips that magnified and worsened the situation, with a good chance someone would be in tears before it was all over. Yes?

EMOTIONS

Everyone’s emotions are heightened exponentially. Even if we’re self-aware and have previously had a healthy relationship with our emotional life, these extraordinary days are hijacking sensibilities. Endeavoring to be mindful, there is a lot of “checking in” with people, inquiring Joey-Tribbiani-style, self-care polling and help-line reminders. Earnest sincerity for the well being of others is at an all time high. It could be because we ourselves are facing more emotional dissonance than ever before.

Fact + Feelings = EMOTIONS

I’d like to propose a new societal movement: Emotional Distancing. Our emotions aren’t “truth”. They are certainly our reality, but they’ve arrived by interpretation and are up for debate; Not with someone else, but with ourselves. We put a premium on our emotional state and happily hold others responsible for it.

Have you ever been in a conversation and someone said “you hurt my feelings” with an expectation for an effort to “make it right?” If you’re in any kind of relationship, of course that scenario has transpired, multiple times! It espouses many great relational qualities: Feeling heard, being understood, attempting empathy, selflessness and so on.

In these times however, recognizing pressure, proximity and powerlessness has impacted our mental prowess, what if we strategically rebuffed the ferocity of our interpretations? Rational logic is never a bedfellow of emotional experience, so we must…

PAUSE

We can’t force reason into emotion, so we must distance ourself from it. How do we exit an experience that is transpiring inside of us?

Emotional Distance Strategy

(I apologize, I’m passing my word count for the week. I’m justifying it because I think this could be genuinely useful, which is not always a thought I have when writing. 😆)

Reminders are for who the person is to us, what we know to be true, what we believe when times are normal.
Focusing on the future puts the present in perspective. The present ALWAYS tries to position itself as most important.
Repetitive feelings and conversations are an indicator this is OUR tendency.
Forcing upon ourself ridiculousness and laughter expedites good brain chemicals. (Disclaimer, I’m not a neurologist).
Removing ourself physically from the current place of emotional eruption, gives room for them to dissipate.
Releasing words from our heart opens up space in our mind. Talking about your emotions when not “emotional” works!

There is quite a bit more to be said on each of these topics. I hope you explore them for yourself.

Our emotions are slippery and demanding in normal times. In these extraordinary days our best approach to handling our own emotional well being is creating a healthy distance between us and them. We are not our emotions! They don’t have to take precedent in all our interactions. They often are uncontrollable. Thus my proposal for Emotional Distancing for a season.

INSTIGATING IDEAS
1. Even if unsure of the tone, make attempts to be encouraging to someone.
2. Stay connected to people who lift your spirit.
3. Implement your own Emotional Distance Strategy.

Our emotions can be an ally, enemy or both.

I dare you to explicitly identify the emotions that tend to overwhelm and distort your reality and relationships. I would love to hear what you put in motion to create a little distance. Please Share.

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