Hi Friend,
I’m sitting on a plane this Friday morning as I start to write you. I am headed to Nashville to spend the weekend at a conference for Professional Speakers. I have several friends attending who I am looking forward to seeing. The craziest thing happened before we took off. A girl spilled her entire cold coffee in my lap as she walked by!
It was quite a shock to my system. It was a total accident. She grabbed the cup, said “sorry” and continued walking down the aisle. I haven’t seen her since. My leg, crotch, and seat were immersed in the chilly sticky liquid. I cleaned up as best I could. More importantly this past week I assembled a bed frame from IKEA. I’ve only heard rumors of such undertakings. It was for my daughter’s room.
As you may have heard there are LOTS of pieces and parts when it comes to an IKEA product. I’m not handy, but I can follow directions (mostly). I only got stumped once, when I felt like I needed someone else. I leveraged the wall and figured out how to apply pressure to squish the little metal pegs into the headboard holes.
After about 4 hours I felt great pride as I looked upon my creation. It was as if I had cut down a tree and carved the pieces myself. I knew my daughter would be impressed. As I dragged the mattress onto it – the final conquering act – I realized her bed is a Full Size and I had bought and built a Queen size frame. DOH!
Immediately, thoughts of last week’s Instigator about #IncompetentDadding rushed in!
I JUST HAD TO LAUGH
For about a minute, I gave in to some negative self-talk. I was disappointed in myself: “Can I ever get this stuff right?” But then simply said, “Well, I suppose I will just have to buy her a new bed sometime to fit the frame.”
My friend and team-mate John talks about “micro-resilience.” I love that phrase. At the moment we are threatened with aggression, whether from another or our own internal dialog, we have the opportunity for quick-snippet-responses that combat with re-framing or rejection. The key lies in the rapidness.
When you and I host negative self-talk, the longer we allow it access, the more detrimental it becomes. Stewing, rehearsing, and replaying burrows into our neurological crevices impacting our soul in the worst way. Whether generating anger towards someone else or fueling an identity of disappointment, inviting the negative thoughts to dance around, corrupts quickly.
Reactions are immediate by nature. When a cold coffee lands on my lap, apparently my reaction is “Oh my gosh, are you serious!?!” That’s what I blurted out. No thinking, no considering, no micro-anything. Just a knee-jerk offering.
WHAT COMES OUT OF YOU?
I’m not sure how you prepare for the unexpected? As with getting caught in some mischievous behavior HOW we respond afterward is what matters most. That philosophy plays true in light of our reactions as well. It’s not so much the immediate unconscious response, but the conscious follow-up to that response. How quick are we to own it?
Have you ever gotten a non-apology? Someone says “I’m sorry” but doesn’t really mean it. They dismiss their knee-jerk and provide a consolation of a half-hearted gesture. That makes it worse, doesn’t it?
Us ruminating on the negative about ourselves is similar to that. It makes the initial situation much more destructive.
Instigating Ideas
1. Write down one or two recurring negative self conversations.
2. Listen for yourself or others using positive terms in unexpected situations.
3. Offer encouragement to someone you hear using negative self-descriptions.
What I find interesting about both my scenarios is that after the initial reaction, I like how I found my way to a better head-space promptly. I’m certain it’s one of the ways I preserve my energy. I love a good reframe. We can choose to replace so many ugly words with more refreshing ones.
I’m so Dumb = I’m so Silly
I’m such an Idiot = I can be such a Clown
Why are you so Stupid = Why are you so Funny
I find when harmful self-talk attempts to seep its way into our psyche, repelling it with words of humor or laughter are an effective defense. Try it this week.
I would love to hear how you’ve grown in containing your reactions? Or how you’ve gotten good at the fast-follow-up, so a residue of negativity doesn’t compound in you or in a relationship. Please Share.