Hi Friend
Last weekend was everything I thought and hoped it would be! My daughter and I (with the grandparents and niece) went to my old hiking/camping location – Mohican State Park. We hiked back to Big Lyons Falls, which looks exactly the same as it did when I was a kid, except for added stairs. The following day we ventured to my hometown. We visited an old friends mom whom I always visit when I’m in town. Then off to Brookside park.
I have sooooo many great memories from there. I had a summer swimming pass. I played baseball games there. I played in the creek. In the fourth grade I smoked my first (and last) cigarette in a culvert we would explore (which now has rebar so you can’t go up it). I have fond memories of swinging. Putt Putt and tennis courts are there. I worked in the bandshell when I was older. It’s a fabulous park!
Of course, I wasn’t there to play. Family from both my mom and dad’s side converged on a small pavilion. It was fabulous! Cousins, kids, grandkids, aunts, uncles, family friends, brothers, sister-in-laws, nieces, nephews – a glorious ensemble from every facet of my family. A gathering such as this has never transpired before. Unlikely it will ever happen again.
Those four hours were pretty special.
Talking with cousins I hadn’t seen in several years was super cool. Talking to their kids, who are adults, was also wildly fun. Seeing my daughter traipse up the same creek I used to, only now leading her cousins on a “creek walk” was distinctly meaningful. Listening to how life has unfolded for some was interesting. There was loads of love packed in that little pavilion.
Our Identity is Found Through Relationships
I simultaneously was dad, son, brother, nephew, uncle, cousin and friend. I flowed in and out of those roles second-by-second with ease. I made no effort to shift and yet depending oh who I was speaking with, I felt different. With Aunt Pat or Uncle Steve, I felt like a nephew. With my mom and dad, I felt like a son. With my cousins, entirely like a cousin. I’m not exactly sure how to articulate it, but each of those identities generated a different disposition. Not in a conscious or postering sort of way, but in a self-awareness kind of vibe.
I’m not a neuroscientist, as you well know, but I think there is some kind of memory-trigger that fires in our grey matter inciting time-travel back to ourselves in that identity as a kid. The more infrequent our interaction the more reliant on those youthful memories our system becomes.
When you think of yourself and your identity do you do it in isolation? I tend to. I guess the question is how often do we even think of our identity?
I have been much more thoughtful about it this year, because I crafted several identity phrases. You might recall I read Atomic Habits and his initial premise is “All behavior change is identity change.” Therefore if we want to implement new behaviors and habits in our life, how we see ourselves will first be what changes. Or at least aspiring towards a vision of becoming.
Considering our identity in light of our relationships expands that effort. How are you and I in our role of:
Spouse
Parent
Sibling
Offspring
Employee
Friend
Individual
It makes sense when one of those roles changes how it takes a toll on us emotionally. If we lose our job, spouse, sense of self, etc we encounter grief. I wonder if we realize how drastically it also effects our identity? Vice versa, when we’re thriving in a relationship how significantly it bolsters our sense of self.
This past year has brightly spotlighted our relationship with ourself. Self care, wellbeing, check-ins and the “How-you-doing?” retort has magnified our awareness about ourselves. However, the yearning to “get back with people” also reveals a healthy dependence on others that spark our internal fires.
Instigating Ideas…
1. Reach out to an extended family member with a card or call.
2. Create a list of all the ways you identify yourself.
3. Express gratitude to someone who causes you to thrive in one of your roles.
Healthy relationships contribute massively to healthy identity.
It’s an interesting revelation to consider our identity is DEPENDENT on relationships. Our ego refutes that with an “I-don’t-need-anyone” stance. But the void in our life when relationships are strained isn’t just an indicator of emotions, but of our core-identity threatened. Of course, every meaningful relationship dynamic can change, but like with habits, it also exacts an identity change.
Friend, it’s possible I need you in my life to expand my own sense of self, I otherwise might not get to experience.