Hi Friend
This week Monica and I shot a batch of short videos about #RunningYourRace that she’s already posting on the socials. We did it on a track near a YMCA. My friend Rich lives right by it, so when we were done, I stopped by his house. I have a tendency to drop by unannounced at my friends, clients and enemies homes and offices. I like to tell myself they love the unexpected spontaneity.
Rich and I have known each other for a long time. He compelled me to run my first half-marathon in 2009. One winter, we did a two-night homeless experience in downtown OKC together. He’s a great dad, husband and human. He’s also quite killer in his sales profession. He mentioned how he reads this letter every Sunday morning as part of his routine. Then he said something curious:
“DON’T YOU EVER HAVE A BAD WEEK?”
After he said that, he then did his best impersonation of me (which is scary) and was like “This.was.the.besssssssst.week.everrrrrr!!!”
I laughed. He laughed. Then he said “Really, why don’t you ever write about that? Don’t you have them?”
Pause.
For context, Rich has been a close friend privy to all the details of my 27+ year marriage ending in 2020. We’ve had many conversations over the last 18 months. He knows the sadness, sense of failure, and disappointment I’ve navigated.
That’s why his question struck me as curious, though the answer is NO. I don’t have bad weeks. I have bad moments. I have bad hours. I’ve had bad days, but I don’t string them together. I am very fortunate because when I go to sleep, I wake up the next day with an emotional reset. I don’t forget yesterday, but I don’t start my day from where I left off the previous. I wake up hopeful.
It’s part natural, part trained & part faith. I’m grateful.
The last year or so I’ve seen articles about “Toxic Positivity” which is an oxymoron. The premise is that someone is going through a sad, difficult, depressing experience and another person trying to be helpful offers some hollow platitudes of “Everything’s going to be OK.” Or “Don’t worry in time you’ll be glad about this.” etc, etc.
Would we prefer Beautiful Negativity?
It’s a bummer that positivity gets a bad rap because certain characters are incompetent, insincere or otherwise lack empathy, so their good-intentions land in an unappreciated way. It makes it worse for the person going through the trial because they don’t feel heard. The resulting response provides no solace for their pain.
Remaining silent might be a better option for some.
It’s unfortunate that they’ve mislabeled poor communicationwith that moniker. Positivity is a consequence of Hope. That may be where the error lie. It’s like people who chase after happiness (hello happiness movement) but find it dissatisfying on it’s own, because it’s a consequence of Joy. Joy is connected to meaningful fulfillment, which always contains difficulty and struggle; which seems contrary to happiness.
Offering hope to someone might look different than being positive (& it may not include words).
Instigating Ideas…
1. Ask one of your friends a pointed question.
2. Consider how you could offer hope to someone going through a challenge.
3. Work out your own position on good intentions versus actual impact.
I don’t deflect sadness or deny reality. I lean into them. I choose to remain hopeful which fuels positive beliefs. People have articulated that we don’t see clearly with rose-colored glasses. I’ve found that anxiety, disappointment and grief creates an even more distorted view of ourselves and the world. I know, I know you’re like “but what about just dealing with reality, with no glasses?!”
I find that to be less appealing.
All of the best adventures in life blossom from hopeful belief.
Don’t worry, I won’t inflict my positivity on you in an inappropriate way. 🤩
Back to Rich’s point… When I write this letter to you, I’m extracting what I’ve gleaned and share it with you. Even in my darkest moments, I’ve been looking for light, so I find it.